United Airlines is not having a good month. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. We're here to help with a customized pre-takeoff safety speech. You're welcome, massive airline company.
Welcome! We're excited to have you aboard this United Airlines flight and we appreciate your attention as we demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft.
FAA regulations require you to follow the instructions of our crew members as well as those of the heavily armed paramilitary team in the back of the aircraft. You must also comply with all posted and lighted signs.
It's important to have your seatbelt on at all times. To fasten your seatbelt, push the metal piece into the buckle and pull on the slack to tighten. As you fasten your seatbelt, please scream the following words: I AM AT THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY UNITED AIRLINES. FOR AS LONG AS I AM ON THIS PLANE, UNITED IS MY GOD. LEGGINGS ARE GROSS. Read more...
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